Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They will do

anything for the unborn. But once you're born, you're on your own. Prolifers are

obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don't

want to hear anything about you. No daycare, no neonatal care, no welfare, no

food stamps, no school lunch, no head start. If you're preborn, you're fine.

If you're preschool, you're f***ed!! They don't care about you until you reach

military age. Then you're just what they are looking for. Conservatives want

live babies, so they can raise them to be dead soldiers".

-George Carlin

OBITUARY
>
> Today we mourn the passing
> of a beloved old friend by the name
> of Common Sense
> who has been with us for many years.
>
> No one knows for sure how old he was
> since his birth records
> were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
>
> He will be remembered
> as having cultivated such value lessons as
> knowing when to come in out of the rain,
> why the early bird gets the worm and
> that life isn't always fair.
>
> Common Sense
> lived by simple, sound financial policies
> (don't spend more than you earn)
> and reliable parenting strategies
> (adults, not kids, are in charge).
>
> His health began to rapidly deteriorate
> when well intentioned but overbearing regulations
> were set in place.
>
> Reports of a six-year-old boy
> charged with sexual harassment
> for kissing a classmate;
> teens suspended from school
> for using mouthwash after lunch;
> and a teacher fired
> for reprimanding an unruly student,
> only worsened his condition.
>
> It declined even further
> when schools were required
> to get parental consent
> to administer aspirin to a student;
> but, could not inform the parents
> when a student became pregnant
> and wanted to have an abortion.
>
>
> Give condom to boys at school
> as boys will be boys.
>
> Finally,
> Common sense lost the will to live
> as the Ten Commandments became contraband;
> churches became businesses;
> and criminals received better treatment
> than their victims.
>
> Common Sense finally gave up the ghost
> after a woman failed to realize
> that a steaming cup of coffee was hot,
> she spilled a bit in her lap,
> and was awarded a huge settlement.
>
> Common Sense
> was preceded in death
> by his parents, Truth and Trust,
> his wife, Discretion;
> his daughter, Responsibility;
> and his son, Reason.
>
> He is survived by two stepbrothers;
> My Rights and Ima Whiner.
> Not many attended his funeral
> because so few realized he was gone.
> If you still know him pass this on,
> if not join the majority and do nothing

TEN COMMANDMENTS

EBONICS STYLE

Sometimes you have to get the message across as best we can. Try this for those who can't understand the King James Version:

1. I'm God. Don't play me.

(I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any other gods before me.)

2. Don't be makin no hood ornaments and charms outta me, or like me.

(Thou shalt not have any graven images)

3. Don't be callin' me for no reason

(Thou shalt not use the name of the Lord thy God in vain)

4. Y'all betta be in church on Sunday, and not just the Sundays when it's Mother's day, Easter and Christmas

(Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy)

5. Don't dis or cuss out yo momma... and if you know who ya daddy is, don't dis him neither.

(Honor thy father and thy mother)

6. Don't be goin' on no drive bys.

(Thou shalt not kill)

7. Stick to ya own Boo.

(Thou shalt not commit adultery)

8. Don't be borrow'n stuff and don't give it back.

(Thou shalt not steal)

9. Don't be snitchin' on the otha' man to save your behind.

(Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy brother)

10. Don't be eyein' (skeeming) yo homie's crib, ride, woman, or nuffin.

(Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy brother).

'Twas the Night Before Jesus Came


'Twas the night before Jesus came and all through the house
Not a creature was praying, not one in the house.
Their Bibles were lain on the shelf without care
In hopes that Jesus would not come there.

The children were dressing to crawl into bed,
Not once ever kneeling or bowing a head.
And Mom in her rocker with baby on her lap
Was watching the Late Show while I took a nap.

When out of the East there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!

When what to my wondering eyes should appear?
But angels proclaiming that Jesus was here.
With a light like the sun sending forth a bright ray
I knew in a moment this must be The Day!

The light of His face made me cover my head
It was Jesus! returning just like He had said.
And though I possessed worldly wisdom and wealth
I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself.

In the Book of Life which He held in His hand
Was written the name of every saved man.
He spoke not a word as He searched for my name;
When He said, "It's not here" my head hung in shame.

The people whose names had been written with love
He gathered to take to His Father above.
With those who were ready He rose without a sound
While all the rest were left standing around.

I fell to my knees, but it was too late;
I had waited too long and this sealed my fate.
I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight;
Oh, if only I had been ready tonight.

In the words of this poem the meaning is clear;
The coming of Jesus is drawing near.
There's only one life and when comes the last call
We'll find that the Bible was true after all!

1...God won't ask what kind of car you drove,
He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.

2...God won't ask the square footage of your house,

He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

3...God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet,
He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.

4...God won't ask what your highest salary was,
He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

5...God won't ask what your job title was,
He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.

6...God won't ask how many friends you had,
He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

7...God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived,
He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.

8...God won't ask about the color of your skin,
He'll ask about the content of your character.

9...God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation,
He'll be so proud you chose to follow in his foot steps and chose his
way of life that he will take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates
of Hell.

10...God won't have to ask how many people you forwarded this to,
He already knows whether or not you are ashamed to share his
information with your friends.

The book "Windows for dummies" could not help these people.

Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but
that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked
what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in. "The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.

10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH:! "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the drive.


11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

12. And last but not least:
TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"