NO LIMIT.........Pg. 4

~~~Cyrian's Diary~~~

NO LIMIT.........Pg. 4

I Could Fill a Book with all the E-mail Stuff !!

Bad Parrot !!

A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was
fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word
was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least,
rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly
saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to
try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and
the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry
and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot
in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and
scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened
the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended
arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language
and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am
truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to
ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May
I ask what the chicken did?"
#############################

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
fly swatter.
What are you doing?" She asked.
Hunting Flies" He responded.
Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

And you probably though this would be dirty... shame on YOU!!!

,.<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. FAT CLOTHES.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Why discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1. OTHER WOMEN!

Isn't it Great to be a Woman?

Send this to all the Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Charming, and Hilarious women in your life
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests given in
Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard, one of these may be the President someday).

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g.,abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,
A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

################################

Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart
An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. "You know" she said, "We were probably sitting in the kitchen across from each other 50 years ago."

"Yes" he said, "But we were probably naked."

"So let's get naked now" she suggested. So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

   "You know," she said smiling lovingly, "my nipples feel just as hot for you today as th ey did 50 years ago."

   He replied "I'm sure they do - one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
                                      <><><><><>

A happy, little fly was buzzing around

a barn one day, when she happened
upon a large pile of fresh horse manure.

Since it had been hours since her
last meal and she was feeling hunger

pangs, she flew down to the
irresistible delicacy and began to

munch out. She ate...and ate...and
then...she ate some more!!! Finally,

she decided she'd had plenty. She
washed her face with her tiny front legs,

belched a few times, then
attempted to fly away. But alas...she

had pigged out far too much and could
not get off the ground. She looked

around wondering what to do about this
unpleasant situation when she spotted

a pitchfork leaning upright against
the barn wall. She'd found a solution!!

she realized if she could
just become airborne she'd be

able to fly again. So, she painstakingly,

climbed to the top of the handle. Once

there, she took a deep breath, spread
her tiny fly wings, and leaped

confidently into the air.

She dropped like a rock and
splattered all over the floor!
Dead fly.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The moral of this sad story?

Never fly off the handle when

you know you're full of shit.

<> <> <> <> <> <>

Me, my siblings, and friends had a "drug" problem when we were young.

We were "drug" to church on Sunday morning. We were "drug" to church for weddings and funerals.

We were "drug" to family reunions, no matter the weather.

We were "drug" to school when we said we didn't feel good.

We were "drug" by our ears when disrespectful to adults and teachers.
We were "drug" to the woodshed when we disobeyed our parents.

Those "drugs" are still in our veins and I believe they very much affect our behavior in what we do, say, and think.

They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's kids had this kind of "Drug" problem, perhaps America could be a better place.
********************************

MOST UNUSUAL

A woman was leaving a Tim Horton's with her morning coffee when she
noticed
a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long
black hearse was followed immediately by a second hearse. Behind the
second
hearse was a solitary woman, dressed in mourning black, walking a
Rottweiler. Most curiously, behind the lady and her dog were nearly 200
women following in single file. The woman on-looker was overcome by her
curiosity.
Respectfully, she approached the woman and dog: "I am so sorry for your
loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a
funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
"My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband
when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adult Fairy Tales

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let
her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and
promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the
ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn
into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. ! The appointed hour comes and
goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella
shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a
pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.
He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no
prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, ..
Peter, Peter, something or other..."
___________________________________________

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and
Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing ha! ppily through
town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
_____________________________________________

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the
Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her
throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and
pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
____________________________________________

MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to
Mickey,
You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
___________________________________________
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind
him, knocked him flat on his ba! ck, and then sat on his face crying,
"Lie to me!
Lie to me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him
and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to
have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you
how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground
and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an
almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually
she managed to gasp,
What the hell did you do that for?"
Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Hey, Everyone! I just got a new dishwasher and was so excited by it that I wanted to share it with you all! I hope everyone gets one of these
models ... I guarantee you you'll love all the
conveniences of having your very own!

Look ... I even have a picture of it so you can see what mine looks like! I highly recommend getting this exact model!

Don't you just love it??? Goes with almost every decor, too!

<><><><><><><><

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child
in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the

remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done
by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep
in mind that these are first graders... "6" year-olds, because the last one
is classic!

Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ............................bug is close.
It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of............termites.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
No news is..................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow
your nose.
There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the
box.
When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.

And the favorite:

Better late than...........................pregnant!!!!

UPDATE CALENDAR REFERENCE INSTR......

Took 11 days to figure out what to do to link the calendar to the page #'s, so here's the "fix" (also proper way to do this again with each new page added):

Open and make the day's page. Publish when thru. Check browser address line and obtain the correct page id #. (November calendar HTML is working perfectly/ back-reference).

In between tags, enter the page id# and date.