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And it all just keeps coming by e-mails !!
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Subject: Girlfriends
I sat on the porch overlooking
a beautiful mountain lake on a summer day,
enjoying a glass of wine with my Mom. Older than me,
mother of four,
experienced and wise.
"Get yourself some girlfriends," she advised, swirling the wine in her
glass.
"You are going to need girlfriends. Go places with them, do things
with them."
What a funny piece of advice,
I thought. Hadn't I just gotten married?
Hadn't I just joined the couple-world? I was a married woman, for goodness
sake,
not a young girl who needed girlfriends.
But I listened to my Mom and I got back in touch with my old girlfriends
of
years long gone. As the years tumbled by, one after another, gradually I came
to understand that Mom knew what she
was talking about.
Here is what I know about them:
Girlfriends bring casseroles and scrub your
bathroom when you are sick.
Girlfriends keep your children and keep your secrets.
Girlfriends
give advice when you ask for it. Sometimes you take it,
sometimes you don't.
Girlfriends don't always tell you that you're right, but they're usually
honest.
Girlfriends still love you, even when they don't agree with your choices.
Girlfriends might send
you a birthday card, but they might not. It does not
matter in the least.
Girlfriends laugh with you,
and you don't need canned jokes
to start the laughter.
Girlfriends pull you out of jams.
Girlfriends don't keep a calendar that lets them know who hosted the other
last.
Girlfriends will give
a party for your son or daughter when they get
married or have a baby, in whichever order that comes!
And girlfriends are there for you, in an instant and truly, when the hard
times come.
Girlfriends
listen when you lose a job or a husband.
Girlfriends listen when your children break your heart.
Girlfriends
listen when your parents minds and bodies fail.
My girlfriends bless my life. Once we were young, with no idea of
the
incredible joys or the incredible sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know
how much we would need each other.
Pass
this on to your girlfriends. Let them know how much you appreciate
them.
I just did!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We are so MISTREATED !!
Men Are Like...
Men
are like... place mats. They only show up when there's food
on the table.
Men are like... mascara. They usually
run at the first sign of
emotion.
Men are like... bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but
otherwise
they just look silly.
Men are like... government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like... parking
spots. All the good ones are taken.
Men are like... copiers. You need them for reproduction, but
that's
about it.
Men are like... lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that
bright.
Men are like...
bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't
generate much interest.
Men are like... high heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get
the hang of it.
Men are like... miniskirts. If you're not careful,
they'll creep
up your legs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A certain man planted a rose and watered it faithfully,
and before it blossomed, he examined it. He saw the bud that would soon blossom-but also the thorns. And he thought, "How
can any beautiful flower come from a plant burdened with so many sharp thorns?"
Saddened by this thought, he neglected to water the rose, and before it was ready
to bloom, it died. So it is with many people. Within every soul there is a rose. The God-like qualities planted in us at birth
grow amid the thorns of our faults. Many of us look at ourselves and see only the thorns, the defects. We despair, thinking
that nothing good can possibly come from us. We neglect to water the good within us, and eventually it dies. We never realize
our potential. Some people do not see the rose within themselves; someone else must show it to them. One of the greatest gifts
a person can possess is to be able to reach past the thorns and find the rose within others.This is the characteristic of
love: to look at a person and, knowing his faults, recognize the nobility in his soul and help him realize that he can overcome
his faults. If we show him the rose, he will conquer the thorns. Then will
he blossom, blooming forth thirty, sixty, a
hundred-fold as it is given to him.
Our duty in this world is to help others by showing them their roses and not their
thorns. Only then can we achieve the love we should feel for each other; only then can we bloom in our own garden.
~Author
Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing
> it apart to remove
the sports section
buy a dog.
>
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the
> joy of seeing you
> buy a dog.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and
> never
says its not quite as good as his mother made it
> buy a dog.
>
> If
you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long
> and wherever you want
> buy a dog.
>
> If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon
> which terrifies you
and endangers the lives of your family and all the
> neighbors
> buy a dog.
>
>
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a damn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch
romantic movies
> buy a dog.
>
> If you want someone who is content
to get up on your bed just to warm
> your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
> buy a dog.
>
> If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if
> you are pretty
or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word
> you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
you unconditionally, perpetually
> buy a dog.
>
> But on
the other hand If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your
entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness,
>
> Then my friend
>
>
Buy a cat.
>
> ( Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental
) >>
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord
«:*´`³¬³´`*:»§«:*´`³¬³´`*:»§«:*´`³¬³´`*:»§«:*´`³¬³´`*:»
DIRECTIONS TO OUR FATHER'S HOUSE.
Make a Right onto "Believeth
Blvd." Keep straight and go through the
Green Light, which is Jesus Christ.
From there, you must turn
onto the "Bridge of Faith," which is over
troubled water. When you get off the bridge,
make a Right turn and Keep Straight. You are on the "King's Highway" - Heaven-bound. Keep going for three miles:
One for the Father, One for the Son, and One for the Holy Ghost.
Then exit off onto "Grace
Blvd." From there, make a Right turn on
"Gospel Lane. " Keep Straight and then make
another Right on "Prayer Road."
As you go on your way, Yield Not to the traffic on "Temptation Ave."
Also, avoid SIN STREET because it is a DEAD END. Pass up "Envy
Drive, "
and "Hate Avenue." Also, pass "Hypocrisy Street,"
"Gossiping Lane," and Backbiting Blvd."
However, you have to go down "Long-suffering Lane," "Persecution
Blvd.," and "Trials and Tribulations Ave." But that's all right, because VICTORY Street is straight ahead!
AMEN!!!!!
SEND THESE DIRECTIONS TO YOUR FRIENDS SO
THEY WILL NOT GET LOST
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Defense Attorney: What is your age? Little old Woman: I am 86 years
old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you? Little
old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes
creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little
old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did
you stop him? Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney:
Why not? Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30
years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little old Woman! man:
He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little
old Woman: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little
old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling
so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!" Defense Attorney:
Did he take you? Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" ...And that's when I
shot the little bastard !
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The First Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two
stunningly beautiful teen-aged
daughters.
They decided to try one last time for
the son they always
wanted. After months of trying, the wife became
pregnant
and sure enough,
nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to
the nursery
to see his new son. He took one look
and was horrified to see
the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to
his wife and said that there was no way
that he could be the
father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful
daughters
I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look
and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just
smiled
sweetly and said, "Not this time."
The Second Affair
A mortician was working
late one night. It was his
job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or
cremated.
As he examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing
discovery:
Schwartz had the longest private part he
had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but
I
can't send you off to
be cremated with a tremendously huge private part
like this. It has to be
saved
for posterity." And with that he used his
tools to remove the dead
man's schlong. He stuffed his prize
into
a briefcase and took it home. The first person
he showed was his wife.
"I have
something to show you that you
won't believe," he
said, and opened his
briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The
Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard
her husband opening the
front
door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the
corner." She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted him
with
talcum powder. "Don't
move until I tell you to," she whispered." Just
pretend you're a statue."
"What's
this, honey?" the husband inquired as he
entered the room. "Oh,
it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The
Smiths bought one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us
too." No more was said
about
the statue, not even later that night when
they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of
bed,
went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a
glass of milk. "Here," he
said to
the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like
an idiot at the Smiths'
for three days, and nobody offered me as much
as a
glass of water."
The Fourth Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the
bar and asks
for a
beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied "Yes." So
the guy glances over
at the menu, and he asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with
chips, peas,
and a fried
egg?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but
all that comes to real
money."
"How much money?"
inquires the guy.
"4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy
who owns this place?"
The
barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The
guy says.
"What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies,
"Same as I'm doing to his
business."
The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky,
was maintaining
candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down
her face. Her
praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his
pale lips began to move
slightly. "My darling Becky," he
whispered. "Hush,
my love," she said.
"Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was
insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired
voice
"I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping
Becky. "Everything's
all
right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept
with your sister, your
best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I
poisoned you"
*************
The Sixth Affair
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends'
home
for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy
preceded every request to
his wife with endearing terms-Honey,
My Love,
Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin,
etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years
and, clearly, they were
still
very much in love. While the wife was in the
kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host,
"I think it's wonderful that, after all these
years, you still call your wife those loving pet
names." The old
man hung his head. "I have to
tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name
about 10 years ago.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FEMALE COME BACKS !!!
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
> Woman: Yes, that's
why I don't go there anymore.
>
> Man: Is this seat empty?
> Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit
down.
>
> Man: Your place or mine?
> Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
>
>
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
> Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
>
> Man: Hey baby, what's your
sign?
> Woman: Do not enter.
>
> Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
> Woman: Unfertilized
>
> Man: Your body is like a temple.
> Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
>
> Man:
I would go to the end of the world for you.
> Woman: But would you stay there?
>
> Man: If I could see
you naked, I'd die happy.
> Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whoever came up with this one must have
had some divine guidance, I was
> impressed!
Although things are not perfect
> Because
of trial or pain
> Continue in thanksgiving
> Do not begin
to blame
> Even when the times are hard
> Fierce winds
are bound to blow
> God is forever able
> Hold on
to what you know
> Imagine life without His love
> Joy
would cease to be
> Keep thanking Him for all the things
> Love
imparts to thee
> Move out of "Camp Complaining"
> No
weapon that is known
> On earth can yield the power
> Praise
can do alone
> Quit looking at the future
> Redeem
the time at hand
> Start every day with worship
> To
"thank" is a command
> Until we see Him coming
> Victorious
in the sky
> We'll run the race with gratitude
> Xalting
God most high
> Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
>
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
>
> "I AM Too blessed to be stressed!"
The shortest distance between a
> problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor.
> The
one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything. Love and peace
> be with you forever, Amen.
>
> PS:
GOD LOVES YOU...PASS THE WORD ON TO MORE
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
The Juggler
An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri
State line.
When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a
juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The Deputy told the driver
he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The
driver told the Deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Deputy
told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated
that he could, so the Deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his
juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and briefly watched the performance.
He then went
over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The Deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car,
opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on
to jail, there is no way in hell I can pass that test."
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A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche
and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"
He calmly told them,
"I bought it today.""With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs.""Well," said the boy, "this one
cost me fifteen dollars.""Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said."It was the lady up the street,"
said the boy. "I don't know her name---they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy
a Porsche for fifteen dollars.""Oh, no," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next?
John, you go right up there and see what's going on."So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady
lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had
sold aPorsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it."Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from
my husband. Ithought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend
to come back.He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.
Enjoy this
clock.
Be sure to move your mouse around.
In Faith, I ask Our Lord, in the Sacred Name of Jesus Christ, for Guidance in all these concerns. Amen.
UPDATE CALENDAR REFERENCE INSTR......
Took 11 days to figure out what to do to link the calendar to the page #'s, so here's the "fix" (also proper way
to do this again with each new page added):
Open and make the day's page. Publish when thru. Check browser address line and obtain the correct
page id #. (November calendar HTML is working perfectly/ back-reference).
In between tags, enter the page id# and date.
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