Some Cute Jokes Pg. 3

~~~Cyrian's Diary~~~

Some Cute Jokes Pg. 3

The "Term" cute Joke doesn't always Mean they are Jokes.....

Many items come across, and they are thoughtful, or spiritual.

Please take these page titles Lightly !! Thanks.

MORNINGS......EVERY DAY !!!!!!!

Cat Quotes, Sayings and Other Funny Comments About Cats

   "The cat is nature's beauty." - French proverb

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and

they are subject to a great many different ailments,

but I never heard of one who suffered from

insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch

   "His amiable amber eyes
   Are very friendly, very wise;
   Like Buddha, grave and fat,
   He sits, regardless of applause,
   And thinking, as he kneads his paws,
   What fun to be a cat!"
   -Christopher Morley

"If a fish is the movement of water

embodied, given shape, then cat is a

diagram and pattern of subtle air."

- Doris Lessing

"A cat will be your friend,

but never your slave." - Theophile Gautier

"I love cats because I love my home and

little by little they become its visible

soul." -Jean Cocteau

"Our perfect companions never

have fewer than four feet." - Colette

"There are people who reshape the

world by force or argument but the

cat just lies there, dozing, and the

world quietly reshapes itself to suit

his comfort and convenience."

- Alan and Ivy Dodd

"If you, like me, were made of fur

and sun warmed you, like me,

you'd purr." - Karla Kuskin

"Cats seem to go on the principle

that it never does any harm to ask

for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch

"God made the cat in order that man

might have the pleasure of caressing

the lion." - Fernand Mery

"Cats are living adornments."

- Edwin Lent

   "The Cat goes out
   And the cat comes back
   And no one can follow
   Upon her track.
   She knows where she's going
   She knows where she's been,

   all we can do
   Is to let her in."
   - Marchette Chute

"Who could believe such pleasure

from a wee ball o' fur?" - Irish saying

"A Cat sleeps fat, yet walks thin."

- Fred Schwab

"The last thing I would accuse a

cat of is innocence." - Edward Palley

"There are no ordinary cats." - Colette

"A sleeping cat is ever alert." - Fred Schwab

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be;

Unless my cats are there to

welcome me." --Epitaph in a pet cemetery

Compiled by Bob Snare/ArcaMax

newsletter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work, and
    everyone was encouraged to bring their children.

   All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's four-year-old
   boy stared at the man sitting across from him. The little
   fella hardly ate a bite, so intent was his gaze...

   The gent in question checked his tie, felt his face for
   food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped the little
   guy from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore him
   but finally it was too much for him.

   He asked him, "Why are you staring at me?"

   Everyone at the table had noticed his behavior and the table
   went quiet for his response.

   The little boy said, "I just want to you do it..."

   "Do What?!" came the exasperated reply

   "I want to see how you drink like a fish!"

   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

   A housewife with three young children was getting dinner
   ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up
   and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her
   day.

   She then passed the phone to her younger brother and sister
   as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

   When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the
   receiver and said, "Hi, hon."

   "Whew! Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end
   replied. "I just called to tell you that you can pick your
   tennis racket up anytime!"

   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

   The Musings of the Wife of Baba ben Bebo...

   If men can run the world, why can't they stop
   wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start
   the day by tying a noose around your neck?

   They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies.
   Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it
   the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to
   go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear
   as a bell my body said, "Listen up! Do it and die."

   Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while
    and it shrinks two sizes!

   Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things
   like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I'
   ve forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my
   keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
   special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

   I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing
   together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

   A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control
   pills. She has 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

   I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress
   are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
   Who are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

   I know what Victoria's Secret is... Nobody older than 30 can
    fit into their stuff.

   The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
   nothing (and then they marry him.)

#################################

As he was driving home from work, a man in a
   rural community was stopped by a local police
   officer.

   The motorist was given a ticket for failing to
   come to a full stop at a stop sign.

   "What? Don't I get a warning?" he protested.

   The officer replied, "Good point... If you don't
   come to a complete stop next time, you'll get
   another ticket."

   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

   It was mealtime during our trip on a small
   airline in the mid west.

   "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant
   asked the man seated in front of me.

   "What are my choices?" he asked.

   "Yes" or "No," she replied.

   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

   Benny had won a Teddy Bear at a raffle.

   He called his kids together to ask which one
   should have the present.

   "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never
   talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

   Five small voices answered all together:

   "Okay, Daddy, you get the Teddy Bear."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The insurance salesman, trying to start up a
   conversation with another fella said, "Who is
   the ugly lady over there?"

   The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"

   Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation,
   the saleman said, "No, not her, the other one!"

   The second man said, "That's my daughter!"

   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

   My eight-year-old son informed us that part of
   his tooth had come out.

   We checked and, sure enough, a piece had broken
   off. Trying to lighten the moment, I asked my
   wife, the paralegal, "What do you suppose the
   tooth fairy gives for half a tooth?"

   "Nothing," she replied. "She wants the tooth, the
   whole tooth and nothing but the tooth."

****************************************

"Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment
    prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If
    it works as well as prohibition did, in five
    years Americans would be the smartest race of
    people on Earth."

    ~ Will Rogers

   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

   I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay
   phone.

   "I know it's something you want," he said earnestly,
   "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea. Yes!
   The same goes for body piercing. As long as you're
   living in my house, I think you should respect my
   wishes."

   I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly
   firmness.

   Then came the 'coup de grace': "And besides, Mom,
   you're 75 years old! You don't NEED a tattoo!"

   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

   Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Jenkins ran
   up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program...

   He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began
   keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been
   wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

   That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

   He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar
   job. One section on the job application called for the reason for
   leaving his previous position.

   Without a moment's hesitation, Jenkin's wrote, "The climate didn't
    agree with me."

~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~

  A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster
   cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt
   and was hardly noticeable at all.

   On the first day of classes, still with the cast under his shirt,
   he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

   Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window
   as wide as possible and then busied himself with deskwork. When a
   strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled
   the tie to his chest.

   He had no trouble with discipline that semester!

   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

   Betty, in the personnel office received an email requesting a
   listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.

   She sent this reply...

   "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one
   broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

   A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a
   bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.

   "I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer.

   "Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look
    riding around on a cow."

   "Shucks!" the farmer came back... "Not half near as silly as
   I'd look trying to milk a darn bicycle!"

*********************************************

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer...

   A deputy police officer responded to a report of a
   barroom disturbance...

   The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet
   and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted
   that he could whip the deputy and the "Heavy Weight
   Boxing Champion of the World."

   Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape
   artist too, probably better than the great Houdini."

   The disturbance nodded...

   "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could
   show us how strong you really are. But, hey, all I've got
   is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly
   you can break out of them?"

   Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, huffed, pulled and
   jerked for about three minutes.

   "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

   "Are you sure?" the deputy asked.

   The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do
   it."

   "In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

   Three boys were heading home from school one day when
   one started the time-honored game of 'my dad's badder than
   your dad'...

   He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw
   a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch
   it just after it crosses the plate!"

   One of the other guys piped up, "Oh yeah? You want fast? My dad
   can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold
   it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!"

   The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being
   faster than mine. He works for civil service, and even though
   he works every day until 4:00 p.m., he gets home at 3:30!"

~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^

Bobby Joe's daddy went with him to the hospital for the
   operation...

   Daddy watched every move the doctor made. At one point
   he asked, "What's that?"

   The doctor explained, "This is an anaesthetic. After he
   gets this he won't know a thing."

   "Save your time, Doc," Pop explained, "He don't know
   nothing now."

    -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

   As part of the admission procedure in the hospital
   they ask the patients if they are allergic to anything.

   If they are, they print it on an allergy band placed
   on the patient's wrists.

   Once when I asked an elderly woman if she had any
   allergies, she said she couldn't eat bananas...

   Imagine my surprise when several hours later a very hot
   tempered son came out to the nurses' station demanding,
   "Who says my mother is 'bananas'?"

    -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

   During a friendly argument, Bill asked Jane why
   she married him in the first place.

   "I was just stupid," Jane teased. When Bill said he
   was happy to hear that, she requested an explanation.

   "People get divorced all the time because they fall
   out of love," Bill said. "But I've never heard of
   anybody falling out of stupid."
______________________________________________

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS


Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
SHOPPING MATH


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS



A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman,
you must love her a lot and not try understand her at all.

MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes,
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Now pass this on to at least 4 people and see what comes around!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

UPDATE CALENDAR REFERENCE INSTR......

Took 11 days to figure out what to do to link the calendar to the page #'s, so here's the "fix" (also proper way to do this again with each new page added):

Open and make the day's page. Publish when thru. Check browser address line and obtain the correct page id #. (November calendar HTML is working perfectly/ back-reference).

In between tags, enter the page id# and date.