There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto her

>front

>porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"

>

>One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became

>irritated at

>the little old lady.

>

>Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell:

>"THERE IS

>NO LORD!"

>

>Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

>

>One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped

>onto her

>front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no

>food and I

>am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

>

>The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge

>bags of

>groceries sitting there.

>

>PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR

>ME!"

>

>The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE

>IS NO

>LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"

>

>The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE

>THE

>LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR

>THEM!

Subject: Coffee

>

>

> > A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee ...You will

> > never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

> >

> > A young woman went to her mother and told her about

> > her life and how things were so hard for her. She did

> > not know how she was going to make it and wanted to

> > give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling.

> > It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

> >

> > Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three

> > pots with water and placed each on a high fire.

> > Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed

> > carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the

> > last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit

> > and boil, without saying a word. In about twenty

> > minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the

> > carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the

> > eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled

> > the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

> >

> > Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do

> > you see?"

> >

> > "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. Her mother

> > brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots.

> > She did and noted that they were soft.

> > The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and

> > break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed

> > the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the

> > daughter to sip the coffee.

> >

> > The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The

> > daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

> >

> > Her mother explained that each of these objects had

> > faced the same adversity .. boiling water .. each

> > reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard,

> > and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to

> > the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The

> > egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had

> > protected its liquid interior, but after sitting

> > through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

> > The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After

> > they were in the boiling water, they had changed the

> > water.

> >

> > "Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When

> > adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?

> > Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

> >

> > Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems

> > strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and

> > become soft and lose my strength?

> >

> > Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but

> > changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but

> > after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or

> > some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?

> > Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I

> > bitter and tough with a stiff

> > spirit and hardened heart?

> >

> > Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually

> > changes the hot water, the very circumstance that

> > brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases

> > the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean,

> > when things are at their worst, you get better and

> > change the situation around you.

> >

> > When the hour is the darkest and trials are their

> > greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?

> > How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an

> > egg, or a coffee bean?

> >

> > Count your blessings, not your problems...... Putting

> > others first makes relationships last

> >

> > Moments in Life

> > There are moments in life when you miss someone so

> > much that you just want to pick them from your dreams

> > and hug them for real!

> >

> > When the door of happiness closes, another opens; but

> > often times we look so long at the closed door that

> > we don't see the one, which has been opened for us.

> >

> > Don't go for looks; they can deceive.

> > Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.

> > Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes

> > only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

> > Find the one that makes your heart smile.

> > Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to

> > go; be what you want to be, because you have only

> > one life and one chance to do all the things you want

> > to do.

> >

> > May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,

> > enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to

> > keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

> >

> > The happiest of people don't necessarily have the

> > best of everything; they just make the most of

> > everything that comes along their way.

> >

> > The brightest future will always be based on a

> > forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until

> > you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

> > When you were born, you were crying and everyone

> > around you was smiling.

> >

> > Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is

> > smiling and everyone around you is crying.

> > You might want to send this message to those people

> > who mean something to you (I JUST DID); to those who

> > have touched your life in one way or another; to those

> > who make you smile when you really need it; to those

> > who make you see the brighter side of things when you

> > are really down; to those whose friendship you

> > appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your

> > life.

THE 5 STAGES OF

> A FEMALE'S LIFE

>

>

> 1. To Grow Up

>

> 2. To Fill Out

>

> 3. To Slim Down

>

> 4. To Hold It In

>

> AND

>

>

> 5. To Hell with it

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a

>get-acquainted tour of the White House by the Clintons. After

>drinking

>several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill if he could use his

>personal

>bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was

>astonished to

>see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

>

>That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

>"Just

>think," he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal

>too. " But

>I wouldn't do something that self-induligible!"

>

>Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White

>House, she

>told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the

>fact

>that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold

>urinal.

>

>That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed,

>Hillary

>smiled and said to Bill . . . "I found out who peed in your

>saxophone."

2029 News Headlines:

>

>

>White minorities still trying to have English recognized as

>California's third language.

>

>

>Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and

>livestock.

>

>

>Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped.

>

>

>Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

>

>

>Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory

>of the Middle East, (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and

>Lebanon).

>

>

>Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten

>more

>years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

>

>

>France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

>

>

>Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported

>legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

>

>

>George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

>

>

>Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and

>reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

>

>

>85 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

>

>

>Average weight of Americans drops to 250 pounds...

>

>

>Massachusetts s executes last remaining conservative.

>

>

>Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil

>rights.

>

>

>Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

>

>

>New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly

>swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January

>2036.

>

>

>Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political

>contributions

>to campaign accounts.

>

>

>Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with

>congressman.

>

>

>IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

>

>

>Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting Machine

: No navy blue & khaki for this girl

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step: "I

>couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for

>such a long, happy life?"

>

>

>

> "I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day", she said. "Before I go

>to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole

>bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On

>weekends I pop a huge number of pills and do no exercise at all."

>

>

> "This is absolutely amazing at your age!!!!", says the

>passer-by. "How old are you?"

>

>

>

> "Thirty four"

Subject: Old men in War

>

>If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those

>responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York

>City and

>Washington, DC.

>But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track

>down

>terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've

>got the

>whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight,

>they

>ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until

>you're at

>least 35.

>For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10

>seconds.

>Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us

>more that

>28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

>Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky

>soldier is a

>dangerous soldier.

>If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My

>back

>hurts!" "I'm hungry!"

>"Where's the remote control?" An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer

>yet and

>you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally

>drink.

>An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons

>of beer

>by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a

>backpack and

>M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

>An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up

>early

>(to pee).

>If old guys are captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd

>probably

>forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number

>would be a

>real brainteaser.

>Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to

>getting

>screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also

>developed

>a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better

>than

>naps.

>They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in

>combat

>and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the

>side, nor

>did I ever do any pushups after training. I can hear the Drill

>Sergeant now,

>"Get down and give me...er...one." And the running part is kind of a

>waste

>of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

>An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning

>to

>shave, to actually carry on a conversation, to wear pants without

>the top of

>the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out, to learn

>that a

>pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 200-watt speaker

>in the

>back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.

>All great reasons to keep our sons at home and to learn a little

>more about

>life before sending them off to a possible death. Let us old guys

>track down

>those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11.

>The last

>thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million

>old farts

>with attitudes.

>Share this with your senior friends.

>