Subject: Party girls
Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they came
back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk,
they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to wipe her self with, so she took
off her panties, used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of
my panties..." so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to
clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the
phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the look-out, it
seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home
without her panties..."

The other one responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck
to her ass that read "We will never forget you."

 

#############################

Homework...
   
   "Let There Be Light?"
   
   In a physics course, which involved light, electricity
   and magnetism, the students were required to read the week's
   experiment before coming to class...
   
   At one lab session the student assistant wanted to see how
   many of his pupils had actually done so.
   
   "What are the two types of light?" he asked.
   
   The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand
   and said, "Uhhh, Three! Bud, Coors and Miller!"
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   The things we do for love...
   
   It was Valentines Day and the judge was in a merry mood as
   he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
   
   "Doing my shopping early", replied the defendant.
   
   "That's no offense!", said the judge. "How early were you
   shopping?"
   
   "Before the store opened", countered the prisoner.
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   Cornpone:
   
   Why did the three little pigs leave home?
   
    Their father was an awful boar.
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   His brother's keeper...
   
   Last week Bernie was at the local Sam's Club.
   
   Now he was only in there for about 10 minutes and when
   he came out, there was a cop - writing up a parking
   ticket...
   
   So, Bernie goes up to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how
   about giving a guy a break?!"
   
   The cop simply ignored Bernie and continued writing.
   
   So, Bernie called him a pencil necked Nazi.
   
   The cop then glares at Bernie and started writing another
   ticket for having bald tires!
   
   Undeterred, Bernie called him a sorry excuse for a human being.
   
   The cop finished the second ticket and put it on the car with
   the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!!!
   
   This went on for about 25 minutes... the more Bernie berated,
   abused and hurled insults at the cop, the more tickets he wrote...
   
   But hey, Bernie didn't care... his car was parked around the corner!
##############################

 "Another good thing about being poor is that when you are
   seventy your children will not have declared you legally
   insane in order to gain control of your estate."
   
    ~ Woody Allen
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   One morning as Professor Thompson was leaving for the
   college his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't
   forget we are moving today. If you come to this house
   this afternoon it will be empty."
   
   Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house
   vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where
   was it we were moving to?"
   
   He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl,
   "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?"
   
   "Yes," she replied.
   
   "Can you tell me which way it went?"
   
   She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   Guaranteed Groaner...
   
   So, this guy goes into a bar and orders a beer...
   
   Bartender gives him a beer and a bowl of nuts. The guy starts
   drinking his beer and munches on a few nuts when suddenly he hears
   a soft voice, "Hey thats a nice tie".
   
   The guy looks around and sees no one except the bartender at the
   other end of the bar. The guy takes another sip of his beer and
   munches a few more nuts when again he hears the soft voice, "Man
   you are looking good, have you lost weight?".
   
   Dazed and confused, the guy looks around, and only sees the
   bartender down at the other end of the bar.
   
   He has another sip of his beer, a few more nuts, and the same
   thing happens again, the soft voice, "Wow, where do you buy your
   clothes? I simply love your jacket".
   
   The guy calls the bartender over.
   
   "Do you hear voices?" the guy asks nervously.
   
   "Voices, Sir?" the bartender asks thinking he's got a wierdo
   sitting at the bar.
   
   "Yeah, voices! Listen to this." says the guy. He sips his beer and
   munches a handful of nuts. Sure enough there's the soft voice.
   "Man are you smart or what."
   
   "Oh, that", says the bartender, "its the nuts."
   
   "The nuts?", asks the guy.
   
   "Yes," says the bartender, "they're complimentary."
#################################

"Ted Williams' son wants to freeze his father's
   body and sell his DNA. You know what he's going
   to call them? Popsicles.
   
    ~ Jay Leno
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   The Wacky Doc
   
   Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
    life. Is this true, Doc?
   
   A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it,
    don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
    Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's
    like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it
    faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   Making rounds one morning, a doctor points out an X-ray to a
   group of medical students.
   
   "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his
   left fibula and tibia are radically arched.
   
   Bernie, what would you do in a case like this?"
   
   "Hmmnn...," ponders the student, "Yes... I suppose I'd limp too."
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with
   a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine
   invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and
   occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
   
   "Can't you see, Billy Bob," intoned the parson, "that not
   one good thing comes out of this drinking? Not a one!"
   
   "Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider.
   "It makes me miss some o' the folks I shoot at."
################################

  An applicant for a job with the federal government was filling out the application form...
   
   He came to this question: "Do you favor the overthrow of the United States government by force, subversion, or violence?"
   
   Without giving it a second thought, he wrote, "violence."
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   Some neighbors of my grandparents gave them a pecan pie as a gift...
   
   As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted awful. It was so bad that my grandmother had to throw it out.
   
   Ever gracious and tactful, Nana still felt obliged to send the neighbors a note.
   
   It read: "Thank you very much for the pecan pie. Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   Bernie was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked at the local bar and headed for home.
   
   As he was walking unsteadily along, a policeman stopped him.
   
   "What are you doing out here at 2:30 a.m.?" inquired the officer.
   
   "I'm going to a lecture." Bernie answered.
   
   "Really, now? And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the incredulous cop asked.
   
   Bernie replied, "My wife."
###############################

In the message "Let It Shine" we considered our responsibility to shine the light of Jesus into the world.  God will sometimes use powerful
preachers to share the gospel message with thousands; but most often, He uses common people like you and me to share His love with one individual
at a time.

But for most, sharing the gospel doesn't come naturally.  We fear offending, fear rejection, and mostly we fear not having the right
answers.  A portion of these fears are perfectly natural.  But our fears are always magnified by the enemy who seeks to keep us silent.  Satan
hates for us to speak the truth!

God chose Jeremiah to be a prophet forty years prior to Israel's captivity in Babylon. This was a difficult time to be God's spokesman -
His message was not at all pleasant.  From his first days as a prophet, Jeremiah was told to speak of approaching doom; "From the north disaster
will be poured out on all who live in the land" (Jeremiah 1:14).  God was going to discipline the nation for their many years of sinful
rebellion and Jeremiah was sent to warn and explain why.

Jeremiah had his share of fear about sharing God's message; "Ah, Sovereign Lord, I do not know how to speak; I am only a child" (Jeremiah 1:6).  His words certainly match some of ours today.  But Jeremiah was obedient and placed his trust in God's promise; "Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you" (Jeremiah 1:8).

After many years of proclaiming God's message, Jeremiah's life had become nearly unbearable.  Nobody believed his message and, instead of
repenting, the people mocked and ridiculed; "The Word of the Lord has brought me insult and reproach all day long" (Jeremiah 20:8).  Jeremiah
had every reason to walk away from his calling, but something wonderful had taken root in his heart.

Jeremiah 20:9
"If I say, 'I will not mention Him or speak any more in His name,' His Word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot."

For many years, Jeremiah had pressed close to God - seeking His direction and desiring to do His will.  Jeremiah knew the presence of God and could not conceive of life apart from His Lord.  Despite great
hardship, he could no longer imagine his life void of ministering and proclaiming God's Truth!

His Word is never a burden too heavy to carry.  But we will continue to struggle until we draw close and fill our lives with His presence.  When we can see nothing but His majesty and glory, His Word will no longer be contained.  Only then will we truly shine.  Only then will we be compelled to minister

 

 The name game...   
   A young man was talking to a young woman that he had just met, and asked for her name.
   
   "I don't want to tell you," she said, "I'm named after both of my parents, and it's kind of embarrassing."
   
   "Well, what could be so bad about that?" the gentleman asked.
   
   "My mother's name is Eliza, and my father's name is Ferdinand." the lady answered.
   
   "Well, those are nice names" the guy replied.
   
   "But they named me Ferdeliza!"
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   Just the facts...
   
   Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Yo! Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
   
   "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
   
   "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
   
   "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
   
   "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
   
   He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
   
   "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
   
   "It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   Man's best friend...
   
   A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful dog along for company.
   
   One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost.
   
   So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Oh boy, I'm in deep stuff now."
   
   Then he noticed some bones lying nearby on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
   
   Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Lordy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
   
   Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
   
   Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes. But the dog sees him heading off after the leopard and figures that something is amiss.
   
   The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog's ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Hop on my back monkey, and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
   
   Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Oh boy, it looks like I've really had it now." But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the leopard and the monkey and pretends that he hasn't seen them. And just when they get close enough to hear him, the dog says, "Where the hell is that monkey? ! I sent him off an hour ago to get me another leopard and he's still not back."
~~~~~~~~&&&&&&&~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Repartee is something we think of an hour too late."
   
    ~ Mark Twain
~~~~~~~~&&&&&&&~~~~~~~~~~~~

 "When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   A very thirsty man goes into a bar.
   
   As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."
   
   The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like.
   
   The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "That looks great! I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."
   
   So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
   
   The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water, buddy. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   Cosmic Questions...
   
   When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
   
   When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
   
   Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
   
   Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
   
   If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
   
   If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
   
   Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
   
   Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread anyway!
   
   If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
   
   If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
   
   Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
   
   Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn.
   
   He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
   
   Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
   
   "We're saved!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
   
   "Sure," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~&&&&&&&~~~~~~~~~

 Not getting it...
   
   One day, a housework-challenged hubby decided to wash his sweatshirt.
   
   Seconds after he stepped up to the washing machine, he shouted to his wife, "Honey, what setting do I use on the washing machine?"
   
   "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
   
   He yelled back, "William and Mary!"
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   A little gratitude goes a long way...
   
   Bernie had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend.
   
   Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on Bernie, expressed his sincere appreciation of his work, and handed him a handsome Italian leather wallet.
   
   Bernie looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possibly compensate him for his services.
   
   "My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."
   
   The client calmly opened the wallet, removed a one thousand dollar bill from it, replaced it with a five hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the dumbfounded Bernard with a smile.
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   The Silver Cockroach...
   
   A tourist walked into a curio shop on the lower East Side of Manhattan...
   
   Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a lifelike, oversized silver statue of a cockroach.
   
   It had no price tag, but was so striking he decided he must have it.
   
   He took it to the owner: "How much for the silver cockroach?"
   
   "Twenty five dollars for the statue, two hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.
   
   The tourist gave the man twentyfive dollars. "I'll just take the roach; you can keep the story."
   
   As he walked down the street carrying his oversized silver cockroach, he noticed that a few real roaches had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of roaches behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
   
   He began to trot toward the river, looking around to see that the roaches now numbered in the millions, and were coming towards him faster and faster.
   
   Terrified, he ran to the edge of the river and threw the silver cockroach as far out into the River as he could. Amazingly, the millions of roaches all jumped into the river after it, and were all drowned.
   
   The man quickly turned on his heal and raced back to the curio shop.
   
   "Ah ha!" said the owner, "You have come back for the story?"
   
   "No, no," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a silver lawyer?"
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   More regarding Lawyers...
   
   How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
   
    Depends on how thin you slice them.
   
   How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
   
    Shoot him before he hits the water.
   
   Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
   
    No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
   
   What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 75?
   
    Your honor.
   
   What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
   
    Senator.
   
   What do you have when a lawyer is buried up his neck in sand?
   
    Not enough sand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~&&&&&&&~~~~~~~~~~