"It's been reported that the FBI is visiting libraries
nationwide
and checking the reading records of people
it finds suspicious. When asked about it, president
Bush
said he's always been suspicious of people who go
to libraries."
~ Conan O'Brien
-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
The
Big Talk
A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a
little
talk my son. Soon you will have urges and
feelings you've never had before. Your heart will
pound
and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied
and won't be able to think of anything else."
The
boy stared wide eyed and said, "Yes."
The father continued, "But don't worry, it's
perfectly
normal. It's called golf."
-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
-=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
Oldie but a goodie...
"An Invitation To A Scientist's Ball"
If famous scientists were invited to a scientist's
ball
how would they reply? Here are a few examples.
Ampere was worried
he wasn't up to current research.
Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
Boyle
said he was under too much pressure.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Darwin
said he'd have to see what evolved.
Descartes said he'd think about it.
Dr
Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
Edison thought it would be
an illuminating experience.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Gauss
was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
Hawking said he'd try to string
enough time together to make
a space in his schedule.
Hertz said
he planned the future to attend with greater frequency.
Mendel said he'd put some things
together and see what came out.
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop
now must dash."
Newton was moved to attend.
Ohm
resisted the idea at first.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Volta
was electrified, and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Watt reckoned it would
be a good way to let off steam.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could
get a flight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Why
didn't you save the school children at . . .
Moses Lake, Washington 2/2/96
Bethel, Alaska 2/19/97
Pearl,
Mississippi 10/1/97
West Paducah, Kentucky 12/1/97
Stamps, Arkansas 12/15/97
Onesboro,
Arkansas 3/24/98
Edinboro, Pennsylvania 4/24/98
Fayetteville, Tennessee 5/19/98
Springfield,
Oregon 5/21/98
Richmond, Virginia 6/15/98
Littleton, Colorado 4/20/99
Taber,
Alberta, Canada 5/28/99
Conyers, Georgia 5/20/99
Deming, New Mexico 11/19/99
Fort
Gibson, Oklahoma 12/6/99
Santee, California 3/5/01 and
El
Cajon, California 3/22/01 ?
Sincerely,
Concerned
Student
Reply:
Dear
Concerned Student:
I
am not allowed in schools.
Sincerely,
God
???????????
********************************************
Humility is the solid
foundation of all the virtues.
- Confucius
************************
If we all did the things we are
capable of doing we would
literally astound ourselves.
- Thomas
Edison
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mystery creates wonder and
wonder is the basis of man's
desire to understand.
-
Neil Armstrong
########################
If I have seen farther than
other men it is by standing
on the shoulders of giants.
-
Isaac Newton
%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Life can only be understood
backwards, but must be lived
forwards.
- Soren Kierkegaard
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The reason so few people are
successful is no one has yet
found a way for someone to
sit down and slide uphill.
- W. Clement Stone
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Space
Case...
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were interviewing
for
a new NASA experiment on sending women to different
planets.
First,
they called the brunette in and asked her the
following question, "If you could go to any planet, what
planet
would you want to go to and why?"
After pondering the question she answered, "I
would like
to go to Mars because with all the recent feasibility
studies it seems
the best place to go."
The interviewer thanked her and told her that they would
get
back to her.
Next, the redhead was called in and the NASA interviewer
asked
her the same question.
In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of
its
rings."
Again, the interviewer thanked her and told her that they
would
get back to her.
Finally, the blonde entered the room and they asked her
the
same question.
She thought for a moment and replied, "I would like to
go
to the sun."
With a chuckle, the interviewer replied, "Why, don't you
know
that if you went to the sun you would burn to to a
crisp?"
The
blonde laughed, put her hands on her hips, and retorted,
"Well duh? Like, I'd go at night!"
-=*=-
-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
The saavy hunter...
Shelia
walked into the kitchen to find her husband
Fred stalking around with a fly swatter.
"And
what are we doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh?
Killing any?" she asked, with a smirk.
"Yep! Got 4 males, 3 Females," he replied.
Intrigued,
she asked. "How the heck can you tell?"
"Simple." He replied, "4 were on a beer
can, 3 were
on the phone."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bubba and Joe Bob were dragging their dead
deer
back to their car...
Another experienced hunter approached pulling
his
along too.
"Hey, guys, I don't want to tell you how to
do
something, but I can tell you that it's sure
easier if you drag the deer in the other direction.
Then
the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the boys decided
to
give it a try.
A little while later Bubba said to Joe Bob,
"You
know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
Joe
Bob said, "Yep... but we're getting farther
and farther away from the truck!"
-=*=-
-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
Another groaner...
When
the driver of a huge trailer lost control
of his rig, he plowed into an empty toll booth
and
smashed it to bits.
Unhurt, he climbed down from the cab and looked
around.
In minutes, a repair truck pulled up
and discharged a crew of workers.
The
men from the crew each picked up a broken
piece of the former tollbooth and spread some
kind
of creamy substance on it. Then they began
fitting the pieces together.
In
less than a half hour, they had the entire
tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Amazing!"
the truck driver said to the crew chief.
"What was the white stuff you used to get all the
pieces
together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth
paste."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Little Suzy had the habit that, when asked
her
name, she would reply, "I'm Mr. Smith's
daughter."
Suzy's
mother told her this was wrong, she
must say, "I'm Suzy Smith."
It
was difficult to break her of the habit, but
her mother consistently corrected her. One day
the
pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and
said, "Honey, aren't you Mr. Smith's daughter?"
Little
Suzy replied, "I thought I was, but mother
says I'm not."
-=*=-
-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
More about names...
When
Mary Lou found out she was pregnant, she told
the good news to anyone who would listen...
Mary
Lou's 4-year-old son overheard some of his
mother's private conversations. One day when Mary
Lou
and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked
the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!"
the 4-year-old said, "and I know just what
we're going to name it, too."
"Really?"
asked the lady.
"Yup!" said the little boy, "If it's a girl we're going
to
call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're
going to call it quits!"
-=*=-
-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
Communication troubles...
A
concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his
wife. "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she
never
hears me the first time and always asks me to
repeat things."
"Well,"
the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand
about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she
doesn't
reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again.
Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the
severity
of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as
instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife
in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and
says,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer
and asks again. No reply.
He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up
and
moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks
again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She
replies, "For the fourth time, dear, 'Vegetable stew!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bernie had a flat tire in front of the insane asylum...
He
successfully got the wheel off, but when he stood up he kicked over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down
a sewer drain.
One of the patients, staring through the fence, suggested that the
man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station
to get some replacements.
The motorist thanked his profusely and said, "I don't
know why you are in that place."
The patient said, "Well, buddy, I'm here for being
crazy, not for being stupid!"
-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
A
plan for life...
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest
son announced that he had just signed up at the recruiter's office to join the marines...
There
were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle
this new situation.
"Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really
do that, did you?"
"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.
The
new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just staring at him...
When
she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Honey, do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Washington D.C. Mugger
Late one night in the
Washington D.C. a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give
me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In
that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Quick Study
Having arrived at the edge of the river, Billy Bob soon
realized
he had forgotten to bring any bait...
Just then he happened to see a little snake
passing by who
had caught a worm.
Quick as a wink, ole Billy
Bob snatched up the snake and
robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake
with
no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little
beer down his throat and went about his fishing.
Nigh
unto an hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at
his pant leg.
Looking
down, he saw the same lil' snake with three more worms.
-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
-=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds
when
he entered a patient's room. He found a patient sitting
on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood
in half.
A second patient was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The
doctor asked the first patient what he was doing. The patient
replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this
piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of the first patient what the other
patient
was doing. The first patient replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but
he's a little
crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor
looks up and notices the second patient's face is going
all red.
The doctor asks the first patient, "If he's your friend, you
should
get him down from there before he hurts himself." The
first patient replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
My strength is renewed day by day as I walk with God.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
I will rejoice and be glad because God,
the Mighty One, is covering me with His joy!
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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