|
|
 |
There Seems to be No End to the assortment of jokes
that keep dropping by ........
|
|
"When I was a kid I got no respect. My
old man took me to
the zoo. He told me to go over to the leopard and play
connect
the dots."
~ Rodney Dangerfield
-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
He said what?!
"This
'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be
seriously considered as a means of communication.
The
device is inherently of no value to us."
~ Western Union internal memo, 1876.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Airplanes
are interesting toys but of no military
value."
~ Marechal
Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"We don't like
their sound, and guitar music
is on the way out."
~ Decca
Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - -
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to
try and find oil? You're crazy."
~ Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist
in his project to drill for oil in 1859.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"The wireless
music box has no imaginable commercial
value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in
particular?"
~ David Sarnoff's associates in response to his
urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"No flying machine will
ever fly from New York to
Paris."
~ Orville Wright.
-=*=-
-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
So these 3 cowboys were hanging
out in the bunkhouse.
"I know that smart-alec Tex," said the first. "The boy's
going to start bragging about that new foreign car he
bought as soon as he gets back."
"Nah...
not Tex," said the second. "He'll always be
just a good ole boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all
he'll say is hello."
"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third.
"He's
so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both.
Here he comes now!"
Sure
enough, Tex swung open the bunkhouse
door and shouted,
"Audi, partners!"
##################################
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman pinscher
and
the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with
the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's
go over to that bar and get
something to drink."
The one with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got
dogs
with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."
They walked over to the bar and the one
with the Doberman put on a pair of
dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry,
Lady,
no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my
Seeing-Eye dog."
The
bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer
said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua figured 'what the heck', so she put on a pair
of dark
glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said,
Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The one with the Chihuahua
said, "You don't understand. This is my
Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the
Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a damn
Chihuahua?!"
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
BONUS JOKE:
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the
window,
"Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays
her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise
special,
please." The agent grabs her, drags her into the
back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her
out the
back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes
her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a
few
minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her
money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is
tied
to an inner tube and is sent floating down the river.
Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually
catches
up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a
while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve
refreshments
on this cruise?" The second blonde replies, "They
didn't last year."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
NATIONAL CHOCOLATE DAY- December 29, 2002
By Leialoha Barlett
© 1999
- 2002 - http://www.coolpup.com
and http://www.dailycelebrations.com
"Strength is the capacity to break
a chocolate bar into four
pieces
with your bare hands -- and then
eat just one of the pieces."
~~ Judith Viorst ~~
Cadbury...Godiva...Ghirardelli...
Hershey
... Lindt. Chocoholic beware: December 29th
is National Chocolate Day. As if you needed
the perfect excuse
to devour some delectable
"feel good" food.
Actress Katharine Hepburn, a notorious brownie
lover, once said,
"What you see before you, my
friend, is the result of a lifetime of chocolate."
Chocolate is made from the seeds
of the tropical
cacao tree, which grows 15-20 feet tall with
fruits shaped like pods. Each pod holds about
20-50
beans.
The first known cacao plantations were
established in South America's Yucatan
by the Mayans in 600 A.D.
According to
Aztec Indian legend, the cacao tree came
from Paradise and eating its fruit gave
man wisdom and power.
"Once
in a while I say, `Go for it'
and I eat chocolate," confessed model
Claudia Schiffer. Obviously, the luxury
of chocolate
is worth the calories.
It is believed that in 1502, Christopher
Columbus brought back cacao beans to King
Ferdinand
from the New World. The first
chocolate bar was made in 1828 when Conrad
Van Houten, a Dutch chemist, invented a
cocoa
press that mixed cocoa butter with
finely ground sugar.
Writer Geneen Roth explained, "Chocolate
is no ordinary
food. It is not something
you can take or leave, something you like
only moderately. You don't like chocolate.
You
don't even love chocolate. Chocolate
is something you have an affair with."
Studies show that chocolate contains,
phenyl
ethylamine, the same chemical that your brain
produces when you fall in love.
So, indulge!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good resolutions are simply
checks
that men draw on a bank where
they have no account.
-
Oscar Wilde
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
I believe this little paragraph says it all!
Subject: Majority Rules
There is a lot of truth in this short
paragraph.
We are so concerned about stepping on other
people's rights, that we are giving
up our
own.
One of the programs that I was watching tonight
said that 86% of Americans believe in God.
Therefore
I have a very hard time
understanding why there is such a mess about
having "In God We Trust" on our money and having
God in the pledge
of
Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the 14% to
shut up and sit down????!
If you agree, pass this on;
if not, delete.
###########################
|
|
|
|
|
|
Some Quick Cat Health Facts
- Female cats
reach sexual maturity within 6 to 10 months; most veterinarians suggest spaying the female at 5 months, before her first heat
period. Male cats usually reach sexual maturity between 9 and 12 months.
- Female
cats are "polyestrous," which means they may have many heat periods over the course of a year. A heat period lasts about 4
to 7 days if the female is bred; if she is not, the heat period lasts longer and recurs at regular intervals.
-
Spaying a female before her first or second heat will greatly reduce the threat of mammary cancer and uterine disease. A cat
does not need to have at least one litter to be healthy, nor will they "miss" motherhood.
-
Neutering a male cat will, in almost all cases, stop him from spraying (territorial marking), fighting with other males (at
least over females), as well as lengthen his life and improve its quality.
- A
female cat will be pregnant for approximately 9 weeks - between 62 and 65 days from conception to delivery.
-
Female felines are "superfecund," which means that each of the kittens in her litter can have a different father.
-
Many cats love having their forehead gently stroked.
- If a cat is frightened,
put your hand over its eyes and forehead, or let him bury his head in your arm to help calm him.
-
A cat will tremble or shiver when it is in extreme pain.
- Cats should not be fed
tuna or dog food exclusively, as they lack taurine, an essential nutrient required for good feline health. Additionally, a
diet too low in taurine can also lead to blindness in cats.
- Purring does not
always indicate that a cat is happy and healthy - some cats will purr loudly when they are terrified or in pain.
-
Not every cat gets "high" from catnip. If the cat doesn't have a specific gene, it won't react (about 20% do not have the
gene). Catnip, however, is non-addictive
- Cats must have fat in their diet because
they can't produce it on their own.
- While many cats enjoy milk, it will give
some cats diarrhea.
- A cat will spend nearly 30% of her life grooming herself.
-
Mature cats with no health problems are in deep sleep 15 percent of their lives, and are in light sleep 50 percent of the
time, leaving them awake just 35 percent of the time, or roughly 6-8 hours a day. Cats come back to full alertness faster
than any other creature.
- A cat can jump 5 times as high as it is tall.
-
The average lifespan of an outdoor-only (feral and non-feral) is about 3 years; an indoor-only cat can live 16 years and longer.
A female tabby named "Ma" lived for 34 years, making her the oldest reliably documented housecat.
-
Cats with long, lean bodies are more likely to be outgoing, and more protective and vocal than those with a stocky build.
-
An estimated 50% of today's cat owners never take their cats to a veterinarian for health care. Too, because cats tend to
keep their problems to themselves, many owners think their cat is perfectly healthy when actually they may be suffering from
a life-threatening disease. Therefore, cats, on an average, are much sicker than dogs by the time they are brought to a veterinarian
for treatment.
- Never give your cat aspirin unless specifically prescribed by
your veterinarian; it can be fatal. Never ever give Tylenol to a cat. And be sure to keep anti-freeze away from all animals
- it's sweet and enticing, but deadly poison.
Compiled by Bob Snare
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some Quick Cat Health Facts
-
Female cats reach sexual maturity within 6 to 10 months; most veterinarians suggest spaying the female at 5 months, before
her first heat period. Male cats usually reach sexual maturity between 9 and 12 months.
-
Female cats are "polyestrous," which means they may have many heat periods over the course of a year. A heat period lasts
about 4 to 7 days if the female is bred; if she is not, the heat period lasts longer and recurs at regular intervals.
-
Spaying a female before her first or second heat will greatly reduce the threat of mammary cancer and uterine disease. A cat
does not need to have at least one litter to be healthy, nor will they "miss" motherhood.
-
Neutering a male cat will, in almost all cases, stop him from spraying (territorial marking), fighting with other males (at
least over females), as well as lengthen his life and improve its quality.
- A
female cat will be pregnant for approximately 9 weeks - between 62 and 65 days from conception to delivery.
-
Female felines are "superfecund," which means that each of the kittens in her litter can have a different father.
-
Many cats love having their forehead gently stroked.
- If a cat is frightened,
put your hand over its eyes and forehead, or let him bury his head in your arm to help calm him.
-
A cat will tremble or shiver when it is in extreme pain.
- Cats should not be fed
tuna or dog food exclusively, as they lack taurine, an essential nutrient required for good feline health. Additionally, a
diet too low in taurine can also lead to blindness in cats.
- Purring does not
always indicate that a cat is happy and healthy - some cats will purr loudly when they are terrified or in pain.
-
Not every cat gets "high" from catnip. If the cat doesn't have a specific gene, it won't react (about 20% do not have the
gene). Catnip, however, is non-addictive
- Cats must have fat in their diet because
they can't produce it on their own.
- While many cats enjoy milk, it will give
some cats diarrhea.
- A cat will spend nearly 30% of her life grooming herself.
-
Mature cats with no health problems are in deep sleep 15 percent of their lives, and are in light sleep 50 percent of the
time, leaving them awake just 35 percent of the time, or roughly 6-8 hours a day. Cats come back to full alertness faster
than any other creature.
- A cat can jump 5 times as high as it is tall.
-
The average lifespan of an outdoor-only (feral and non-feral) is about 3 years; an indoor-only cat can live 16 years and longer.
A female tabby named "Ma" lived for 34 years, making her the oldest reliably documented housecat.
-
Cats with long, lean bodies are more likely to be outgoing, and more protective and vocal than those with a stocky build.
-
An estimated 50% of today's cat owners never take their cats to a veterinarian for health care. Too, because cats tend to
keep their problems to themselves, many owners think their cat is perfectly healthy when actually they may be suffering from
a life-threatening disease. Therefore, cats, on an average, are much sicker than dogs by the time they are brought to a veterinarian
for treatment.
- Never give your cat aspirin unless specifically prescribed by
your veterinarian; it can be fatal. Never ever give Tylenol to a cat. And be sure to keep anti-freeze away from all animals
- it's sweet and enticing, but deadly poison.
Compiled by Bob Snare
################################################
Subject: Fw: A woman should have...
|
|
|
|
|
|
To A Beautiful Person
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If
He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He listens.
He can live anywhere in the universe, but He chose... your heart.
Face
it friend, He is crazy about you!
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain,
but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.
Send this to every "beautiful
person" you wish to bless, and
return it to the person who sent it to you.
Enjoy this
clock.
Be sure to move your mouse around.
In Faith, I ask Our Lord, in the Sacred Name of Jesus Christ, for Guidance in all these concerns. Amen.
UPDATE CALENDAR REFERENCE INSTR......
Took 11 days to figure out what to do to link the calendar to the page #'s, so here's the "fix" (also proper way
to do this again with each new page added):
Open and make the day's page. Publish when thru. Check browser address line and obtain the correct
page id #. (November calendar HTML is working perfectly/ back-reference).
In between tags, enter the page id# and date.
|
|
|
|
